


Behind Blue Eyes

by Francowitch



Series: YOI Music Week [2]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: 1970s music, Light Angst, M/M, Moving On, Music, Past Relationship(s), YOI Music Week 2017
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-06
Updated: 2017-09-06
Packaged: 2018-12-24 11:38:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,324
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12011937
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Francowitch/pseuds/Francowitch
Summary: JJ, now single is reflecting on what he wishes, what his heart wants versus what his brain tells him he is allowed to have.





	Behind Blue Eyes

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Lorindaa](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lorindaa/gifts).



> I made it! Day 2 for Music Week... 1970s, my song of choice: Behind Blue Eyes by The Who 1971... Gifting this to my dear [Lorindaa ](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Lorindaa/) who Beta's just about all that I create and gave the suggestion of this song!
> 
> A thank you to my love [Phayte ](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Phayte) who looked over for any glaring errors... as always my mistakes are my own! <3

Behind Blue Eyes

  
  
  


_ No one knows what it's like _

_ To be the bad man _

_ To be the sad man _

_ Behind blue eyes _

 

JJ was tired of always being ‘ _ on _ ’, pretending that everything was okay with him, that everything was ‘ _ normal _ ’. He looked out to the ice, taking a deep breath as his father clapped him on the back with encouragement, this year would be his year. He had a strong program and unlike the year before he didn’t have the doubts in his abilities. JJ nodded as his father spoke, not really listening to the speech, knowing that it was likely involving God and hoping for a high score. All JJ could think about was trying to keep his mind on his program and not on the fact that he was now single, or would be in a few moments. With a deep breath JJ slipped off his skate guards handing them off and glided out to his starting position.

 

_ No one knows what it's like _

_ To be hated _

_ To be fated _

_ To telling only lies _

 

No one knew that he and Isabella had called off their engagement, everyone was still on the idea that their dream wedding was on track and that the young couple were in love. But truth be told, they were not happy and being as such, she had strayed physically while he had strayed mentally and spiritually. They had gotten an apartment together, something which his parents had not encouraged, but Isabella had insisted. She did not want their first time living together to be when they had already gotten married. While she acquiesced to not having sex before their nuptials, she had put her foot down on their not living together. She wanted to know what she was getting into, as it turned out rightly so. 

 

They both learned that while they liked each other, they really did not  _ love _ each other. And there was a huge difference. When JJ found out that Isabella had started seeing her pilates instructor, he found that he had a sense of relief come over him, which on reflection is not the sort of feeling one should have about their future wife. 

 

_ But my dreams _

_ They aren't as empty _

_ As my conscience seems to be _

_ I have hours, only lonely _

_ My love is vengeance _

_ That's never free _

 

Sitting at the kiss and cry JJ waits for his score to come in, it is as he had hoped, numbers high enough that he is in the lead. Up next though was the one whom he knew he would not beat, but hoped that his message got through to him. JJ went up to the stands where skaters could watch the rest of the competition, there was only one other person who JJ wanted and  _ needed _ to see. At centre ice Yuri Plisetsky was standing with his hands up in the air, his silhouette showing off his skills as a danseur. JJ could feel himself leaning forward as he watched the young Russian dance and spin on the ice. He could see how having the combined efforts of Yuuri and Viktor as his coached had improved his overall steps and ability to transcribe the music in his motions. JJ could feel his breath catching as Yuri spun and jumped along the frozen surface. 

 

Tonight at the banquet he would tell Yuri exactly how he felt, not that he expected anything in reciprocation. But perhaps, there might be a small chance. He knew that the younger man was already nursing a broken heart, after the very public break up of him with Otabek. It had been all over his social media, blowing up JJ’s feeds. The emotion from that translated into Yuri’s performance, it was beautiful, and evocative. It was no surprise to JJ when he saw the scores come in, he was bumped by a fair margin, with Yuri taking gold. But he would be on that podium and that was what mattered.

 

Standing up in the lights, the flashes of cameras. JJ looks up, seeing Yuri give a press smile, it is not one which touches his eyes. JJ leans in and takes the photos with Yuri and Emil, who took bronze. 

 

_ No one knows what it's like _

_ To feel these feelings _

_ Like I do _

_ And I blame you _

_ No one bites back as hard _

_ On their anger _

_ None of my pain and woe _

_ Can show through _

 

The gala was much like JJ had expected, a lot of cheap champagne and a smattering of coaches and sponsors looking to schmooze and pick up new skaters. JJ made his rounds, saying hello to the people who helped support him throughout his career, as well as some of the skaters who had become friends with over the years. He found Otabek, who was looking sullen in a corner of the room, sitting at an otherwise empty table.

 

“Why aren’t you going after him?” A morose voice came from Otabek.

 

JJ looked over to Otabek his eyes wide, “What do you mean by that?”

 

“C’mon Jean,” Otabek sighed, swirling his drink before swallowing it back, “You have been lusting after Yuri since he came up from the juniors, and now you have your chance.”

 

JJ could feel his face become warm, was he  _ that  _ obvious? “I have Bella, why would I be looking elsewhere?”

 

JJ heard Otabek scoff, “You might be able to lie to the others out there, but I know better. Besides, she called me just after…  _ that _ happened.”

 

“Oh.” It had slipped JJ’s mind. Of course they would have talked. JJ rubbed a rough hand across his face with a groan.  “Beks, I honestly have no idea what I'm doing.”

 

There was a dry chuckle, “I can see that much. Your program-- that was for  _ him, _ wasn't it?”

 

JJ nodded, “Yeah, you think he noticed?”

 

“Pretty sure the whole world noticed.”

 

“Yeah but…”

 

Otabek nodded his head away from the table, “You tell me.”

 

JJ looked in the direction Otabek was indicating, there he saw Yuri. He was standing with Viktor and Yuuri, both of whom were talking with the younger man. But instead of engaging with the couple, Yuri was staring at the table where JJ and Otabek were sitting. JJ turned away the moment their eyes connected, feeling his face flush. He took a gulp of his champagne coughing as the bubbles burned down his throat and went up his nose. The reaction causing Otabek to suck in a breath in mockery. 

 

“Fuck. I am an idiot.”

 

“You will get no argument from me on that.”

 

“I am sorry.” JJ spoke, looking back to Otabek.

 

“What for? Or is this a Canadian thing, Jean?”

 

“For being a shit friend,” JJ sighed, a smirk forming at the barb. “I should be there for you. Not be lusting after your ex.”

 

Otabek shrugged waving a hand, “I fucked up. I know I did, and I cannot give him what he wants.”

 

“Can I ask why?” JJ coughed, “I mean I know what the papers say, but really what happened?”

 

“What happened with you and Bella?”

 

“I thought you knew?” The side of JJ’s mouth curled up slightly, “I mean don’t get me wrong with Bella, I loved her, but not the way she needed. I would love to put all the blame on her, but it was not just her. You know? We both knew it, and I don’t know, I guess we just kept going longer than it needed to.”

 

Otabek nodded. “For us, it was never about love. I know I will never love someone the way I do him.”

 

“But--”

 

“But,” Otabek sighed, “But I have responsibilities to my family…”

 

JJ nodded, while he had a very religious family, and he knew the knowledge of their son not getting married would be upsetting-- and should he have a boyfriend, it would be a shock, it would not lead to his being disowned. He knew Otabek’s family, and their values. JJ could feel his heart ache for his friend, and his mind was now piling on the guilt from his declaration on the ice earlier. It wasn’t that he was looking for approval or a blessing, but JJ could not deny that there was a wave of relief that washed over him when Otabek spoke next.

 

“I really am not mad with you Jean,” Otabek looked up to JJ his eyes holding no anger, “I just want him to be happy. And I cannot do that, I cannot give him what he wants, when he needs to thrive.”

 

_ But my dreams _

_ They aren't as empty _

_ As my conscience seems to be _

_ I have hours, only lonely _

_ My love is vengeance _

_ That's never free _

 

JJ stayed only a few moments after that as he was drained, and ready to turn it off for the night. As he left he clapped Otabek on the shoulder promising to keep in better touch. “I am sorry about you and  _ him. _ I really am.”

 

Otabek smirked, “No you aren’t.”

 

“I am actually.” JJ’s eyes darted back to see Yuri was still staring in their direction, then back to Otabek, “I don’t think it is me he is watching, but you. I want you both to be happy.”

 

“Even if it kills you on the inside?”

 

JJ pressed his forehead to Otabek, “Even then. Take care Beks.”

 

JJ went up to his room without a second glance, he didn't need to see the looks that were aimed at another man. He didn't need to watch as the pair found each other again, as though tied together by a red string of fate. JJ thought of himself as a good man, while he could be happy for them both he sure as fuck couldn't sit there and watch them eye fuck each other all night. 

 

On his way out of the ballroom he snagged a bottle of champagne and continued moving. Not saying a word to anyone as he stalked over to the bank of elevators and up to his room. He was grateful that he had his own room on a separate floor, due to his father being a bit late on booking their rooms. It allowed JJ to get as drunk as he wanted tonight and not have to pretend that everything was alright. Throwing his cell and the room key onto the dresser, JJ took his free hand to loosen the tie which had been strangling his throat all night. JJ opened up the bottle taking a long drag from it, his throat and eyes burning from the bubbles. As he made his way over to his bed, JJ slipped out of his slacks, kicking them off to the corner of the room. 

 

“Fuck LeRoy, what are you doing?” JJ sighed to himself as he unbuttoned his shirt. Maybe this is what he deserved after treating Isabella the way he did, to be alone with a bottle while jerking off by himself wishing that he were with a certain blonde Russian.

 

JJ was halfway through the bottle, well on his way to being tipsy. The edge of the night was gone, and he was now flipping through the available porn that was on the tv. He had just found one that had a petite blonde with green eyes that peaked his interest. It was no Yuri, but it would do for now, it was either that or pull up old videos of skate competitions. 

 

He was just settling on the bed when there was a sharp knock at the door, with a mumbled curse in French, JJ shut off the television. Taking another swig from the bottle, he got up and walked to the door, not caring that he was wearing only his dress shirt and a pair of bright red speedo style underwear. Running a hand through his hair he swung the door open prepared to yell at whoever was there, only to be bowled over by a flash of blonde and green. 

 

_ When my fist clenches, crack it open _

_ Before I use it and lose my cool _

_ When I smile, tell me some bad news _

_ Before I laugh and act like a fool _

_ And if I swallow anything evil _

_ Put your finger down my throat _

_ And if I shiver, please give me a blanket _

_ Keep me warm, let me wear your coat _

 

JJ grunted when he felt the weight of Yuri who flung himself into his arms. He was not able to say a word as he felt plump lips pressed against his own, there was a clash of teeth and tongue before JJ pulled back, holding the younger man at arms length. 

 

“W-w-what?”

 

Yuri was scowling, his face a bright crimson. Over the years he had shot up in height until he was as tall, if not a smidge taller than JJ was. While he was still slim, and had golden hair that fell midway down his back, he no longer had the androgynous look he once had as a young teen.

 

“Isn’t this what you wanted?” Yuri’s voice was gruff.

 

“What about Otabek?” JJ’s mind was whirling, he had no interest in being anyone’s second choice. 

 

“What about him?” Yuri’s green eyes penetrated into JJ, “Or was I wrong and that skate was for him, not for me afterall.”

 

“You were not wrong.” JJ’s voice was hoarse, there was no way this was real.

 

“I am no longer with  _ him.” _

 

“I heard.”

 

“So--”

 

“So.” JJ watched as Yuri held himself back, the younger man practically looking as though he were a spring coiled too tight and about to explode. JJ took a deep breath,  _ “Tabarnak!” _

 

JJ ran a shaky hand up to tangle into the golden hair pulling Yuri into him, this time kissing him allowing himself to melt into the kiss.

 

_ No one knows what it's like _

_ To be the bad man _

_ To be the sad man _

_ Behind blue eyes _

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and Kudos feeds my muse!
> 
> Come follow me on Tumblr for more YOI fics and chatter... my ask is always open  
> [francowitch ](http://francowitch.tumblr.com/)  
> 


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